all i can say is that

paris was right.
i really do need a break from dating guys.
i don't know how to be happy by myself. my friend told me today that i dont really know how to be ryan. and she's right. i'm always ryan and someone. and like. idk.... my bf and i fought, and it totally knocked me out of that lovey dovey feeling i had. i thought i loved him. but after fighting. not really. i just don't feel the same way anymore. i really don't and i told him that. and like... idk where we are, and i honestly can't take it right now to be able to figure it out. maybe after finals we can try and piece it all together, and maybe just end everything. because i don't know who i am anymore. or where i'm going in life, and i need to actually take time to myself and figure out me and my life.

theres also the fact that i love mike. and he's 1000 miles away. and my head is so built up with i love him, that i have to meet him to know. before i can actually date anyone else. so i dont even know what to do with my life anymore.

i think i just switched for the first time in a while and kyle's honestly just trying to hurt me anymore and i dont know what to do and i can't tak ethis anymore. i'm shaking from the anger and crying from the pain of it all. i'm not a horrible person to him so why do i feel like one.

Herp da Derp

sooooo... lifes gone from confusing to ok to fucked up to what's going on.
and right now... it's pretty awesome.
i've got a good guy, who's making me focus on school more so i guess it's good in that way too. haha. he's the biggest sweet heart i've ever met and i'm glad he's mine.
... i almost believe in love at first sight with him. 
sooo yeah....
i did apologize to kyle, he didn't accept it, but i tried. and that's what counts. i did what i could. and got closure i needed from it. so i moved on. and now i have andy =] and he's amazing

i dont even know what the fuck is going on anymore.
i'm gonna apologize to kyle and hopefully set a lot of things right with him so he can be happier after all i've put him through. idk we'll see.

cried my eyes out
cried my pain out
ready to start anew
i guess.
idk.
i basically accepted that he's gone
and that i am not gonna get him back in my life no matter what i do
cuz i was that immature about it all.
and this is just the price i pay.
whatevskis. i'll find someone eventually and i'll grow up for them when it's time.