he.... apologized?

kyle apologized.
i don't know how to take it.... like i responded in kind. but it was so severely unexpected i dont know what to do about anything.... lol
but seriously. idk.
i'm taking it as a good sign. that i am finally beginning to find who i am again. camp is really helping. i miss being around the kids, and just having fun while still being in control. i'm ryan. i'm fun. i'm controlled. i'm a lot to handle, and i'm ready to care about anyone in an instant.... and i love to help people out.

all i can say is that

paris was right.
i really do need a break from dating guys.
i don't know how to be happy by myself. my friend told me today that i dont really know how to be ryan. and she's right. i'm always ryan and someone. and like. idk.... my bf and i fought, and it totally knocked me out of that lovey dovey feeling i had. i thought i loved him. but after fighting. not really. i just don't feel the same way anymore. i really don't and i told him that. and like... idk where we are, and i honestly can't take it right now to be able to figure it out. maybe after finals we can try and piece it all together, and maybe just end everything. because i don't know who i am anymore. or where i'm going in life, and i need to actually take time to myself and figure out me and my life.

theres also the fact that i love mike. and he's 1000 miles away. and my head is so built up with i love him, that i have to meet him to know. before i can actually date anyone else. so i dont even know what to do with my life anymore.

i think i just switched for the first time in a while and kyle's honestly just trying to hurt me anymore and i dont know what to do and i can't tak ethis anymore. i'm shaking from the anger and crying from the pain of it all. i'm not a horrible person to him so why do i feel like one.

Herp da Derp

sooooo... lifes gone from confusing to ok to fucked up to what's going on.
and right now... it's pretty awesome.
i've got a good guy, who's making me focus on school more so i guess it's good in that way too. haha. he's the biggest sweet heart i've ever met and i'm glad he's mine.
... i almost believe in love at first sight with him. 
sooo yeah....
i did apologize to kyle, he didn't accept it, but i tried. and that's what counts. i did what i could. and got closure i needed from it. so i moved on. and now i have andy =] and he's amazing

i dont even know what the fuck is going on anymore.
i'm gonna apologize to kyle and hopefully set a lot of things right with him so he can be happier after all i've put him through. idk we'll see.