wtf have i done.... lol

once upon a time there was a prince, his name was zack. he was the cutest boy in all the lands and all the ladies wanted to date him. just a little problem though, zack had a crush on the peasant boy, ryan. one day while ryan was in the market place scrounging for some toast Prince Zack came along and bought ryan all the toast and butter he could possibly want. Ryan knew at that moment that prince zack was also the nicest boy in all the lands, with the biggest heart. and then they began to talk everyday and prince zack help peasant boy ryan to become more than just a peasant boy. and then everyone lived happily ever after. the end

lol i can't believe i wrote that... i suck at writing things. PROOF^ haha. yeah.... here it is though lol

he.... apologized?

kyle apologized.
i don't know how to take it.... like i responded in kind. but it was so severely unexpected i dont know what to do about anything.... lol
but seriously. idk.
i'm taking it as a good sign. that i am finally beginning to find who i am again. camp is really helping. i miss being around the kids, and just having fun while still being in control. i'm ryan. i'm fun. i'm controlled. i'm a lot to handle, and i'm ready to care about anyone in an instant.... and i love to help people out.

all i can say is that

paris was right.
i really do need a break from dating guys.
i don't know how to be happy by myself. my friend told me today that i dont really know how to be ryan. and she's right. i'm always ryan and someone. and like. idk.... my bf and i fought, and it totally knocked me out of that lovey dovey feeling i had. i thought i loved him. but after fighting. not really. i just don't feel the same way anymore. i really don't and i told him that. and like... idk where we are, and i honestly can't take it right now to be able to figure it out. maybe after finals we can try and piece it all together, and maybe just end everything. because i don't know who i am anymore. or where i'm going in life, and i need to actually take time to myself and figure out me and my life.

theres also the fact that i love mike. and he's 1000 miles away. and my head is so built up with i love him, that i have to meet him to know. before i can actually date anyone else. so i dont even know what to do with my life anymore.

i think i just switched for the first time in a while and kyle's honestly just trying to hurt me anymore and i dont know what to do and i can't tak ethis anymore. i'm shaking from the anger and crying from the pain of it all. i'm not a horrible person to him so why do i feel like one.

Herp da Derp

sooooo... lifes gone from confusing to ok to fucked up to what's going on.
and right now... it's pretty awesome.
i've got a good guy, who's making me focus on school more so i guess it's good in that way too. haha. he's the biggest sweet heart i've ever met and i'm glad he's mine.
... i almost believe in love at first sight with him. 
sooo yeah....
i did apologize to kyle, he didn't accept it, but i tried. and that's what counts. i did what i could. and got closure i needed from it. so i moved on. and now i have andy =] and he's amazing