Butter and Baby Otter

so. i went down to philly to visit zack on thursday after work. i got down there around 6:30, and he met me at the train station. it was really nice to see him and hug him in person again. and kiss him in person. as much as i love the skype kisses... the real kisses with him are just amazing.
so then we walked back to his place and then we cuddled and started watching up in the air, which turned into making out. then we tried to order food, but the pizza place messed up so zacky made me a ham sandwich with mustard and it was delicious and i was super happy he made it for me. so then we cuddled and fell asleep together. then we woke up and totally started fooling around which ended up going all the way. and it was absolutely beautiful, and i really really like him. so then we decided we were hungry after we showered so we went to this amazing vegetarian food cart called the magic carpet across from starbucks, and then we got starbucks and sat there and talked and ate. Then the rain stopped and we went walking in the city. we walked all over the place and we got free freeze pops, and went in the appled store, and then the knock off apple store, and then we walked around the shopping places, then the art district and it was really pretty, and i love the artsy parts of the city. then we got some gelato at capogiro... or somethin like that. and he made me so happy all day long. he's just so sweet and beautiful, and always has lots to say and i really enjoy listening to him. so after gelato we went back to his place and cuddled and watched coraline. creepy movie, but i loved cuddling with him to watch it. and we actually watched the whole movie that time. and he's amazing and super special and i wish i could see him again before the end of september. but the best things in life are worth waiting for, because he's going to be back at the end of september =] and i really can't wait to see him again.

wtf have i done.... lol

once upon a time there was a prince, his name was zack. he was the cutest boy in all the lands and all the ladies wanted to date him. just a little problem though, zack had a crush on the peasant boy, ryan. one day while ryan was in the market place scrounging for some toast Prince Zack came along and bought ryan all the toast and butter he could possibly want. Ryan knew at that moment that prince zack was also the nicest boy in all the lands, with the biggest heart. and then they began to talk everyday and prince zack help peasant boy ryan to become more than just a peasant boy. and then everyone lived happily ever after. the end

lol i can't believe i wrote that... i suck at writing things. PROOF^ haha. yeah.... here it is though lol

he.... apologized?

kyle apologized.
i don't know how to take it.... like i responded in kind. but it was so severely unexpected i dont know what to do about anything.... lol
but seriously. idk.
i'm taking it as a good sign. that i am finally beginning to find who i am again. camp is really helping. i miss being around the kids, and just having fun while still being in control. i'm ryan. i'm fun. i'm controlled. i'm a lot to handle, and i'm ready to care about anyone in an instant.... and i love to help people out.

all i can say is that

paris was right.
i really do need a break from dating guys.
i don't know how to be happy by myself. my friend told me today that i dont really know how to be ryan. and she's right. i'm always ryan and someone. and like. idk.... my bf and i fought, and it totally knocked me out of that lovey dovey feeling i had. i thought i loved him. but after fighting. not really. i just don't feel the same way anymore. i really don't and i told him that. and like... idk where we are, and i honestly can't take it right now to be able to figure it out. maybe after finals we can try and piece it all together, and maybe just end everything. because i don't know who i am anymore. or where i'm going in life, and i need to actually take time to myself and figure out me and my life.

theres also the fact that i love mike. and he's 1000 miles away. and my head is so built up with i love him, that i have to meet him to know. before i can actually date anyone else. so i dont even know what to do with my life anymore.

i think i just switched for the first time in a while and kyle's honestly just trying to hurt me anymore and i dont know what to do and i can't tak ethis anymore. i'm shaking from the anger and crying from the pain of it all. i'm not a horrible person to him so why do i feel like one.