Sunday, December 25, 2011


if i kiss chris, just to explore options... it's basically over between us.
i just... he just... idk. kyle understands me, chris gets me.... not as much... but he does.
aquarian kyle. arian chris..... fire signs. god damnit i can't stop with the fire signs!
idk. i think i might have very strong feelings for kyle.
but the thing is... the feelings for chris are developing. and therefore... do i really love kyle if i developed feelings for chris?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

and it all falls apart.

skyped with stephen.
such a mistake.
i feel like i dont respect myself at all.
i just give myself up to whoever's watching.
i hate it
i hate that it was him
he caused me so much hurt
and now just looks at me for sexual pleasure
i  hate it.

then my dad left.
he was drunk as fuck.
screamed fuck you get out of my life
and drove off in the mustang.
he just got back.... and i hate it
i hate this
i hate how awful life is becoming with this

i think i might actually like chris.
he's just so sweet, and idk.
and i know i love kyle. i know i do. and no matter what i do i'm going to hurt him. i can see that already.

so fuck it all

god damn it.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

someone please give my life purpose

i have nothing to do anymore.
my boyfriend broke up with me, but we still talk everyday. more now than when we were dating.
and it makes me miss him so much more.

god. why can't life just be simple

why do i have to miss him
why do i miss him
cuz he made me feel wanted
like someone cared
cuz he held me and i felt safe
cuz his eyes were just so ... beautiful
cuz he made me feel special
he confuses the hell out of me
he's always right
and i totally fell for him

and now he's just... not  mine anymore.

i hate night time sometimes..... cuz it makes me think things like this.....

Saturday, December 3, 2011


Woke up at my boyfriends house today. He didnt touch me, kiss me, talk to me, look at me nothing.
I got out of bed, put on my pants, grabbed my phone off the windowsill and my hat off the bed. then put on my sweatshirt and coat. Said bye. and walked out the door.

now last night i went over to try and talk things out that were bothering me. and i thought it would be ok and that i'd feel better after talking things out.

apparently i was wrong.

i went over around midnight, and we talked til like 3am and i said i'd work on things and he said he's work on things. and then he got his laptop and ignored me. so i went to sleep.

i woke up to him on his laptop watching something. so obviously he was awake for a while. never touched me. never kissed me. never tried to cuddle. never looked at me. nothing. nothing at all.

after i left i got maybe 2 blocks down the road and just started crying. this is not ok.

i'm so miserable and i tried to make it better but i made it worse.

and he's mad i talked about him, he's mad that i'm so easily identified with my mohawk up. he doesn't like to be judged.

he's mad because of all these insecurities he just needs to buck up and ffucking face them. i'm sick of this shit. i really am.

i don't get it.

Friday, December 2, 2011

What the fuck ever anymore

I woke up today and everything was ok.

I just got to thinking .... why am I always being put down by my boyfriend?

I don't look like a malnourished orphan, and my mohawk is not a fin. I mean if he said it once or twice fine. but last night malnourished was every other word out of his mouth. like what the actual fuck.
seriously. i thought he was supposed to make me happy, make me feel better when others put me down.

instead, nobody else puts me down. just him.

like what the fuck.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


I just screw up everything.

Alex unfriended me....
Kyle won't talk to me....
Chris won't talk to me....
My current boyfriend is probably thinking about breaking up with me...

I just can't fucking do relationships. What the hell. I suck at this.

Someone teach me how to do this. :'(
i feel like i over react to everything

i feel like i can't do anything right though

i just kinda feel like i'm losing the person i wanted to get closer and closer to =/

what the actual fuck

i might love him

but why should that stop me from loving you at all


what the hell

i just wanted one thing to work out for once
just one
but i can't even have a good relationship apparently.
i fucked this one up before i even met him.
what the hell.
i give the fuck up.

God Damnit

i'm sorry i loved someone
i'm sorry i showed someone 1000miles away everything i have.
i'm sorry i let him build me back up in life
he's my best friend
i've never met him
but i don't have to to know how much he cares

i'm sorry you made me feel like shit about all of it.

fuck this.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Kissing Disease....

mono... of all the things that couldve been... this is so much better.
this will go away
this isn't an std
i'm so happy that it's only mono.
i was so scared. i was so so scared. i was sure it was gono. but it's not.
i'm so relieved.
it's amazing.
and now i'm going to take care of him til he's better. if i get sick in the process than so be it, as long as he's ok. i can't let him suffer anymore of this silly annoying std scares because of me. he's gonna be ok. and i'm glad =]

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

well fuck.

i hope everything isnt turning out how it looks

Thursday, June 2, 2011

i want to rant somewhere that's not tumblr

mike. what are you doing!?
i love you. i really do, and you know that. but bud, i have a boyfriend. and I'm going to stay true to him. i fucked that up last time, and i absolutely refuse to cheat again.

now alex. you're amzing. you have so much lef tin high shcool though, you're going to grow up a lot more yet. i dont know if you're the one. but i think it's a possibility. you're still naive to an extent. but you will catch on.

and this part is like.. an hour later...
i just took a shower
and now i have a donut
and... idk i'm just kinda here
i'm really bored with nobody to talk to.
maybe i'll sleep...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Boyfriend... wait... what?

HELLZ YEAH BITCHEZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he asked me out last saturday.. but i wasnt sure. so we spent the past week getting to know each other better.
he came over yesterday. and it was so much fun. we walked up and down the creek. through it. just talking and walking. and then we were walking and saw a baby deer. just sleeping in the grass. like no big deal, not a care in the world. it was so cute and so precious <3
so yeah. then we kept walking. and since he asked me out last week this entire time i'm trying to work up the nerve to just be like sooo... i wanna go out with you. but it took me forever. and we were almost back. and i was just like... sooo if you still want to... do you wanna go out with me?
and he said yes. and now he's my boyfriend and he's amazing. and then we kept walking and then i kissed him when we were almost back.
and then i built a fire and my friends jeff and jess came over and yeah. =] i'm all happy and life is good.

peace and love <3

Monday, April 18, 2011


I fell into his arms again ... and it felt different this time…. but its exactly where i want to be….. long distance.. i just.. i can’t do it. i want to, i really do. i just, it doesnt work for me. i need something a bit more than falling asleep on skype. to be honest, i’ve run out of things to talk about with you =/ and i hate it. i hate every second of not talking with you, because i just think to myself that i’ve done something wrong.

i can’t handle this. its too much added stress, i just tend to freak out and breakdown and i get clingy and then distant all at once. my mind is a fucked up place and i wish it would agree with itself.

what am i even doing with myself anymore…. i really don’t know.

Jeff… you always screw things up… i wish you would come out… and we could be happy together…. but you probably never will, and you’ll find a girl and fall in love… and that will be the end of that…

why do i always always rush things? WHY!? i feel like such a moron…. i did this last time too, only it wasn’t long distance. this is just… this is harder. and more impossible. i dont know what to do anymore…

this explains the horrible mood the other day…. im glad i figure this out now … UGHHHHHHHH

COULD MY HEAD BE ANYMORE CONFUSING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in love....In love. completely. i am happiest in his arms… but we cannot be together. cuz he’s not out. i want him here so badly i just want to cuddl up, bury my face in his chest and fall asleep. is that so bad?

I love you jeffrey, and i always will, i just wish i had the chance to be with you. us, together, happy. it could work. but i think you’re too scared…..

why am i on the verge of tears… you’re just a boy. a silly boy… it won’t matter in the end… right?

Monday, April 4, 2011

i'll just leave this here.... :DDDDD

Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom there lived a handsome prince, Nathaniel. Prince Nathaniel had all he could ever want, a family, a beautiful castle, wonderful friends, but something was missing from his life. All day long he would go through life, daydreaming and wishing to feel complete. One day he went for a walk in the forest near the castle. As he wandered through the trees he was singing to himself when he encountered a gorgeous stranger. At first Nathaniel was worried, but the stranger seemed friendly enough so they began to talk. Nathaniel and the stranger got along very well, but unfortunately they had to separate and Nathaniel was sad because he thought he would never see the stranger again. On the way back to the castle though, Prince Nathaniel was kidnapped by an evil dragon who took him to a faraway castle. Nathaniel was the dragon’s prisoner because the dragon was afraid Nathaniel’s imagination was too powerful. After a while Nathaniel could only think of the stranger he met in the woods and he was upset because now he knew he would never see him again. Then one day, he saw a man in shining armor approach the castle. The man had slain the dragon and saved Nathaniel. Prince Nathaniel was eternally grateful to the man in shining armor and asked to see his face. When the man took off his helmet and turned out to be the stranger from the forest. The stranger was really Prince Ryan, from a neighboring kingdom and Prince Nathaniel thanked him with a kiss. Then they rode off on Prince Ryan’s magical rainbow unicorn in hippie boots into the sunset and lived happily ever after. The end <3

Thursday, March 31, 2011

the pains in my chest keep coming back...

and it makes no sense.... just randomly my chest will be tight... and it'll be hard to breathe =/

anyway.... idk im lost in my thoughts, but wanted to post in my world.... i just needed to try and figure thoughs out right now...

In the things you write and the things you say and the impact you have on others, your impact transcends your own body.-zach

he meant other people
but i took it as the soul, what you do, and what you say, what you write, who you are impacts your soul.
its quite true either way, cuz it all also impacts other people. like those around you. whether you know it or not, the world around you is changed because of your presence. for better or for worse, but it would not be the same without you. and then itd just be weird.

i want to do something in this world
i want to change the world for the better.
i dont know how im going to do it, but i will.
i am going to change things, and it will make a difference.
i would love to change the rules of scouts, and allow gays.
we're people too.
what they dont know is that i'm gay, and in scouts.
the entire troop knows
it disrupts nothing.
i will change that.
it will be better for all people to be accepted.
if scouts is about serving your community, what does it matter what your sexuality is? if we are all just serving the community we live in, and bettering it... then why the hell does it matter if i think guys are cute?

the actual scouts, dont. care. trust me. and some of the parents know too, so i really do not see the issue here.

thats just one thing im going to change

im going to bring this world into a new era of peace and harmony. my soul will not be at rest until the world is at peace with itself.

i am going to bring the peace and the harmony. it can happen. why do we have to fight? i dont understand. sure we dont like each other, but why do we need to risk the lives of innocent people to fight against people, who dont even want us there. it doesnt make sense.

whatever. idk im in a really weird mood right now i really need to go to sleep.... so i think i will

night night

Sunday, March 6, 2011

fuck. everything.

why. does. shit. like.this. always. happen. to. me.
kill me
i feel like ive been used and played or something
had a date on friday.... that was cancelled cuz he didnt have a car. then whats he doing? dinner with his friends. yeah ok.. no car my ass. he just didnt feel like coming to get me.
then what did he do yesterday? mall and shopping with his friends... he didnt text me til like 5 to say hi.... i always say goodmorning at like 7.... fuck. this. shit. im sick of it, im sick of feelinng rejected and not good enough. i just want someone to love me, not play me and screw with my head. WHAT EVER. I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

It's times like these...

when you know who your true friends are....
then you realize you dont have any
and that you are destined to be alone.... because everyone is better off without you and without your meddling
im sick of this
i feel like shit all the time
and now im losing my friends... all of them... they all have someone better to be with, something better to do, someone more important.... and im just left with nothingness. the dark abysmal realm inside of my own skull is where i now reside.
my "friends" dont even talk to me anymore. who fucking cares anyway.....
i got a mohawk... my mom hates it, she hates that im gay, she hates me, she's pretty much given up on me, and that really fucking sucks. and i am so sick of feeling like im not good enough for anyone. im not happy anymore and nobody even fucking cares.

depression sets in and this is the only place left i can truly write what i think and what i feel. tumblr is too full of people i know, facebook... HA thats for your masks to show. just be happy all the time.... FUCK THAT!!

i need out. i need away. i can't be here any longer. its time to leave, it's time to go.... i need to leave. get me out of here. i cant stand being here anymore

i just want to run, start my life over, and begin anew. its not like anyone would fucking miss me anyway. not like anyone would fucking know either. i could easily remove myself from the world with nobody noticing my dissappearance... nobody texts me first anyway... nobody gives a fuck about what happens to me.

well my mother thinks i do drugs, and drink, and smoke, and im just this overall bad kid. WELL YA KNOW FUCKING WHAT!! I DON'T DO ANY OF THAT SHIT!!!!!! but if you think i do... i should probably just fucking start.... because then you have reason to hate me like you do..... and then you can get me "help" for the problems i actually have as opposed to JUST FUCKING HATING ME AND ASSUMING THE WORST!!!!

im done with this world.

Friday, January 28, 2011

oh how people make me laugh

if (said person) honestly believes i was mad at (said person 2) because she was caring... YOU HAVE FUCKING ISSUES!!!!!!! and DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED!!!!!!! DO NOT PISS ME OFF YOU WILL (and sort of already have) HAVE HELL BROKEN LOOSE UPON YOU!!!!!!!!

<3 sonar

Sunday, January 9, 2011

my love ive found.
i have been drowned
whats happened i cant grasp
until im in his clasp

with him i belong
this cannot be wrong
as lovers we once were true
now all i feel is blue

my heart is heavy
i have been hurt
this pain i cannot levy
why does he only flirt

i need him here
by my side
the choices are clear
do i run and hide?

i cannot leave him
this is my fate
forever alone
without my mate

Sunday, January 2, 2011


im bored... waiting for texts from a few people.... gahhhhhh
time flows slower when you're aware of it...

if only i could control time as a please...

oh well