Sunday, December 25, 2011


if i kiss chris, just to explore options... it's basically over between us.
i just... he just... idk. kyle understands me, chris gets me.... not as much... but he does.
aquarian kyle. arian chris..... fire signs. god damnit i can't stop with the fire signs!
idk. i think i might have very strong feelings for kyle.
but the thing is... the feelings for chris are developing. and therefore... do i really love kyle if i developed feelings for chris?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

and it all falls apart.

skyped with stephen.
such a mistake.
i feel like i dont respect myself at all.
i just give myself up to whoever's watching.
i hate it
i hate that it was him
he caused me so much hurt
and now just looks at me for sexual pleasure
i  hate it.

then my dad left.
he was drunk as fuck.
screamed fuck you get out of my life
and drove off in the mustang.
he just got back.... and i hate it
i hate this
i hate how awful life is becoming with this

i think i might actually like chris.
he's just so sweet, and idk.
and i know i love kyle. i know i do. and no matter what i do i'm going to hurt him. i can see that already.

so fuck it all

god damn it.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

someone please give my life purpose

i have nothing to do anymore.
my boyfriend broke up with me, but we still talk everyday. more now than when we were dating.
and it makes me miss him so much more.

god. why can't life just be simple

why do i have to miss him
why do i miss him
cuz he made me feel wanted
like someone cared
cuz he held me and i felt safe
cuz his eyes were just so ... beautiful
cuz he made me feel special
he confuses the hell out of me
he's always right
and i totally fell for him

and now he's just... not  mine anymore.

i hate night time sometimes..... cuz it makes me think things like this.....

Saturday, December 3, 2011


Woke up at my boyfriends house today. He didnt touch me, kiss me, talk to me, look at me nothing.
I got out of bed, put on my pants, grabbed my phone off the windowsill and my hat off the bed. then put on my sweatshirt and coat. Said bye. and walked out the door.

now last night i went over to try and talk things out that were bothering me. and i thought it would be ok and that i'd feel better after talking things out.

apparently i was wrong.

i went over around midnight, and we talked til like 3am and i said i'd work on things and he said he's work on things. and then he got his laptop and ignored me. so i went to sleep.

i woke up to him on his laptop watching something. so obviously he was awake for a while. never touched me. never kissed me. never tried to cuddle. never looked at me. nothing. nothing at all.

after i left i got maybe 2 blocks down the road and just started crying. this is not ok.

i'm so miserable and i tried to make it better but i made it worse.

and he's mad i talked about him, he's mad that i'm so easily identified with my mohawk up. he doesn't like to be judged.

he's mad because of all these insecurities he just needs to buck up and ffucking face them. i'm sick of this shit. i really am.

i don't get it.

Friday, December 2, 2011

What the fuck ever anymore

I woke up today and everything was ok.

I just got to thinking .... why am I always being put down by my boyfriend?

I don't look like a malnourished orphan, and my mohawk is not a fin. I mean if he said it once or twice fine. but last night malnourished was every other word out of his mouth. like what the actual fuck.
seriously. i thought he was supposed to make me happy, make me feel better when others put me down.

instead, nobody else puts me down. just him.

like what the fuck.