Boyfriend... wait... what?

HELLZ YEAH BITCHEZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he asked me out last saturday.. but i wasnt sure. so we spent the past week getting to know each other better.
he came over yesterday. and it was so much fun. we walked up and down the creek. through it. just talking and walking. and then we were walking and saw a baby deer. just sleeping in the grass. like no big deal, not a care in the world. it was so cute and so precious <3
so yeah. then we kept walking. and since he asked me out last week this entire time i'm trying to work up the nerve to just be like sooo... i wanna go out with you. but it took me forever. and we were almost back. and i was just like... sooo if you still want to... do you wanna go out with me?
and he said yes. and now he's my boyfriend and he's amazing. and then we kept walking and then i kissed him when we were almost back.
and then i built a fire and my friends jeff and jess came over and yeah. =] i'm all happy and life is good.

peace and love <3
-Ryan

WHAT THE FUCKKKKK

I fell into his arms again ... and it felt different this time…. but its exactly where i want to be….. long distance.. i just.. i can’t do it. i want to, i really do. i just, it doesnt work for me. i need something a bit more than falling asleep on skype. to be honest, i’ve run out of things to talk about with you =/ and i hate it. i hate every second of not talking with you, because i just think to myself that i’ve done something wrong.

i can’t handle this. its too much added stress, i just tend to freak out and breakdown and i get clingy and then distant all at once. my mind is a fucked up place and i wish it would agree with itself.

what am i even doing with myself anymore…. i really don’t know.

Jeff… you always screw things up… i wish you would come out… and we could be happy together…. but you probably never will, and you’ll find a girl and fall in love… and that will be the end of that…

why do i always always rush things? WHY!? i feel like such a moron…. i did this last time too, only it wasn’t long distance. this is just… this is harder. and more impossible. i dont know what to do anymore…

this explains the horrible mood the other day…. im glad i figure this out now … UGHHHHHHHH



COULD MY HEAD BE ANYMORE CONFUSING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm in love....In love. completely. i am happiest in his arms… but we cannot be together. cuz he’s not out. i want him here so badly i just want to cuddl up, bury my face in his chest and fall asleep. is that so bad?

I love you jeffrey, and i always will, i just wish i had the chance to be with you. us, together, happy. it could work. but i think you’re too scared…..

why am i on the verge of tears… you’re just a boy. a silly boy… it won’t matter in the end… right?

i'll just leave this here.... :DDDDD

Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom there lived a handsome prince, Nathaniel. Prince Nathaniel had all he could ever want, a family, a beautiful castle, wonderful friends, but something was missing from his life. All day long he would go through life, daydreaming and wishing to feel complete. One day he went for a walk in the forest near the castle. As he wandered through the trees he was singing to himself when he encountered a gorgeous stranger. At first Nathaniel was worried, but the stranger seemed friendly enough so they began to talk. Nathaniel and the stranger got along very well, but unfortunately they had to separate and Nathaniel was sad because he thought he would never see the stranger again. On the way back to the castle though, Prince Nathaniel was kidnapped by an evil dragon who took him to a faraway castle. Nathaniel was the dragon’s prisoner because the dragon was afraid Nathaniel’s imagination was too powerful. After a while Nathaniel could only think of the stranger he met in the woods and he was upset because now he knew he would never see him again. Then one day, he saw a man in shining armor approach the castle. The man had slain the dragon and saved Nathaniel. Prince Nathaniel was eternally grateful to the man in shining armor and asked to see his face. When the man took off his helmet and turned out to be the stranger from the forest. The stranger was really Prince Ryan, from a neighboring kingdom and Prince Nathaniel thanked him with a kiss. Then they rode off on Prince Ryan’s magical rainbow unicorn in hippie boots into the sunset and lived happily ever after. The end <3

the pains in my chest keep coming back...

yup
and it makes no sense.... just randomly my chest will be tight... and it'll be hard to breathe =/

anyway.... idk im lost in my thoughts, but wanted to post in my world.... i just needed to try and figure thoughs out right now...

In the things you write and the things you say and the impact you have on others, your impact transcends your own body.-zach

he meant other people
but i took it as the soul, what you do, and what you say, what you write, who you are impacts your soul.
its quite true either way, cuz it all also impacts other people. like those around you. whether you know it or not, the world around you is changed because of your presence. for better or for worse, but it would not be the same without you. and then itd just be weird.

i want to do something in this world
i want to change the world for the better.
i dont know how im going to do it, but i will.
i am going to change things, and it will make a difference.
i would love to change the rules of scouts, and allow gays.
we're people too.
what they dont know is that i'm gay, and in scouts.
the entire troop knows
it disrupts nothing.
i will change that.
it will be better for all people to be accepted.
if scouts is about serving your community, what does it matter what your sexuality is? if we are all just serving the community we live in, and bettering it... then why the hell does it matter if i think guys are cute?

the actual scouts, dont. care. trust me. and some of the parents know too, so i really do not see the issue here.

thats just one thing im going to change

im going to bring this world into a new era of peace and harmony. my soul will not be at rest until the world is at peace with itself.

i am going to bring the peace and the harmony. it can happen. why do we have to fight? i dont understand. sure we dont like each other, but why do we need to risk the lives of innocent people to fight against people, who dont even want us there. it doesnt make sense.

whatever. idk im in a really weird mood right now i really need to go to sleep.... so i think i will

night night
-sonar

fuck. everything.

why. does. shit. like.this. always. happen. to. me.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
kill me
i feel like ive been used and played or something
had a date on friday.... that was cancelled cuz he didnt have a car. then whats he doing? dinner with his friends. yeah ok.. no car my ass. he just didnt feel like coming to get me.
then what did he do yesterday? mall and shopping with his friends... he didnt text me til like 5 to say hi.... i always say goodmorning at like 7.... fuck. this. shit. im sick of it, im sick of feelinng rejected and not good enough. i just want someone to love me, not play me and screw with my head. WHAT EVER. I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.
KILL ME PLEASE
kbye