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WOOOOOOOOO

life sucks

didnt think it'd get worse. but now i've been threatened with no rent money.

still don't have a co-op

missed the co-op workshop thing.

still no job from the movie theater

i'm so screwed in life right now.

I'm just down...

i dont really know why, but i'm just kinda down right now.
life.
no co-op job, not even looked at for the movie theater job, mike wont talk to me, i feel like i'm losing me again, zack likes me beyond imagination and i dont currently return the same feelings, maybe because i got distracted by all of these other guys, but i still want ot be with zack and be happy. but he called me chubby a while ago and it sitll bothers me, i know i'm not. but i just can't help thinking i am. and it's horrible.

idk. life sucks sometimes, just gotta get back up and try again.

i'm gonna take these broken wings, and learn to fly again. i'm coming back, and this time it's gonna be awesome.

Love is... who the fuck knows

I always think i fall in love with people. I never really do, but i always seem to think so.
But i've come to realize when i think i like someone, i like what they have to offer more than i seem to care about them. I like how outgoing they are, or how much of something they know. I like new and different. not necessarily them.
it just always seems to fade so fast, and they say when you love someone you never really stop loving them. and i seem to stop loving a lot. it's just a case of love and lust confused i guess. and the lust wears off and i dont wanna be with them anymore then it gets awkward and things go weird.
but there are a few people in this world i do love. i'd give my life for theirs anyday a thousand times over. i hate seeing them unhappy and i always want to be there for them. Paris you're definitely one of them.
and mike i love him to death, mike martini that is.
and then i get super protective sometimes over certain people and i dont know why. it happened this summer at the y with a few of the kids, one in particular. he's had it pretty rough, sorta. but i love him like he's my own little brother, only more... almost like he was my own kid. and it's super awesome.
i just wish i could find that feeling in a guy. a place where i feel safe in their arms, and nothing could hurt it, and i don't want to hurt them, and i end up putting them first. i want to love someone and be loved as equally in return.

and... this has been a rant... yeah

Butter and Baby Otter

so. i went down to philly to visit zack on thursday after work. i got down there around 6:30, and he met me at the train station. it was really nice to see him and hug him in person again. and kiss him in person. as much as i love the skype kisses... the real kisses with him are just amazing.
so then we walked back to his place and then we cuddled and started watching up in the air, which turned into making out. then we tried to order food, but the pizza place messed up so zacky made me a ham sandwich with mustard and it was delicious and i was super happy he made it for me. so then we cuddled and fell asleep together. then we woke up and totally started fooling around which ended up going all the way. and it was absolutely beautiful, and i really really like him. so then we decided we were hungry after we showered so we went to this amazing vegetarian food cart called the magic carpet across from starbucks, and then we got starbucks and sat there and talked and ate. Then the rain stopped and we went walking in the city. we walked all over the place and we got free freeze pops, and went in the appled store, and then the knock off apple store, and then we walked around the shopping places, then the art district and it was really pretty, and i love the artsy parts of the city. then we got some gelato at capogiro... or somethin like that. and he made me so happy all day long. he's just so sweet and beautiful, and always has lots to say and i really enjoy listening to him. so after gelato we went back to his place and cuddled and watched coraline. creepy movie, but i loved cuddling with him to watch it. and we actually watched the whole movie that time. and he's amazing and super special and i wish i could see him again before the end of september. but the best things in life are worth waiting for, because he's going to be back at the end of september =] and i really can't wait to see him again.

wtf have i done.... lol

once upon a time there was a prince, his name was zack. he was the cutest boy in all the lands and all the ladies wanted to date him. just a little problem though, zack had a crush on the peasant boy, ryan. one day while ryan was in the market place scrounging for some toast Prince Zack came along and bought ryan all the toast and butter he could possibly want. Ryan knew at that moment that prince zack was also the nicest boy in all the lands, with the biggest heart. and then they began to talk everyday and prince zack help peasant boy ryan to become more than just a peasant boy. and then everyone lived happily ever after. the end

lol i can't believe i wrote that... i suck at writing things. PROOF^ haha. yeah.... here it is though lol

he.... apologized?

kyle apologized.
i don't know how to take it.... like i responded in kind. but it was so severely unexpected i dont know what to do about anything.... lol
but seriously. idk.
i'm taking it as a good sign. that i am finally beginning to find who i am again. camp is really helping. i miss being around the kids, and just having fun while still being in control. i'm ryan. i'm fun. i'm controlled. i'm a lot to handle, and i'm ready to care about anyone in an instant.... and i love to help people out.

all i can say is that

paris was right.
i really do need a break from dating guys.
i don't know how to be happy by myself. my friend told me today that i dont really know how to be ryan. and she's right. i'm always ryan and someone. and like. idk.... my bf and i fought, and it totally knocked me out of that lovey dovey feeling i had. i thought i loved him. but after fighting. not really. i just don't feel the same way anymore. i really don't and i told him that. and like... idk where we are, and i honestly can't take it right now to be able to figure it out. maybe after finals we can try and piece it all together, and maybe just end everything. because i don't know who i am anymore. or where i'm going in life, and i need to actually take time to myself and figure out me and my life.

theres also the fact that i love mike. and he's 1000 miles away. and my head is so built up with i love him, that i have to meet him to know. before i can actually date anyone else. so i dont even know what to do with my life anymore.

i think i just switched for the first time in a while and kyle's honestly just trying to hurt me anymore and i dont know what to do and i can't tak ethis anymore. i'm shaking from the anger and crying from the pain of it all. i'm not a horrible person to him so why do i feel like one.

Herp da Derp

sooooo... lifes gone from confusing to ok to fucked up to what's going on.
and right now... it's pretty awesome.
i've got a good guy, who's making me focus on school more so i guess it's good in that way too. haha. he's the biggest sweet heart i've ever met and i'm glad he's mine.
... i almost believe in love at first sight with him. 
sooo yeah....
i did apologize to kyle, he didn't accept it, but i tried. and that's what counts. i did what i could. and got closure i needed from it. so i moved on. and now i have andy =] and he's amazing

i dont even know what the fuck is going on anymore.
i'm gonna apologize to kyle and hopefully set a lot of things right with him so he can be happier after all i've put him through. idk we'll see.

cried my eyes out
cried my pain out
ready to start anew
i guess.
idk.
i basically accepted that he's gone
and that i am not gonna get him back in my life no matter what i do
cuz i was that immature about it all.
and this is just the price i pay.
whatevskis. i'll find someone eventually and i'll grow up for them when it's time.

fuckfuckfuck

started talking to chris again...
and..
fuck
i still have feelings for him apparently...
and
he has a bf
and is probs totally over me
goddamnit. something else kyle fucked up in my life.
if he had just followed his heart he wouldnt have fucked that up
he was just a waste of time.
fuck him and his bullshit

you can't...

you can't just tell me how i think, if that's not how i think. so i'm not going to let you look at me that way so of course i'm going to be upset about it.

i do weird things, and i like attention. that does not mean i do things for attention.

so get down off your high horse, and shut the fuck up about how my mind works. cuz you don't even know the half.

asshole

it's a water bottle.
and i just wanted to see you one last time before you leave my life forever.
you'll get the goddamn thing tomorrow.
i just wanted to fucking see you.
you didnt have to be an ass about it.

back together and apart

we talked it out, we were okay.
and then  i get an email. not even a goddamn phone call so i can hear you say it.
we're okay when we're together but not when we're apart. that doesnt even make sense.
if you don't have the balls to say it to my face then nothing is actually fucking wrong.
fucking stay out of my life.

I just want some space

i asked him for 3 days of space since we broke up anyway and i just need to take some time to myself to relax and try and get him off my mind.
so he texts me every hour saying that we need to talk about this before i ignore him.  he's beyond clingy right now, and that's severely not okay with me.
i don't have a problem with not talking to him for a few days cuz i know he'll be there when it's over. and if he's not then it's something completely stupid to be upset about. i asked for space becaus ei'm being suffocated by someone i'm not even dating anymore.
we're not dating. we're just friends. just friends don't cuddle like that. just friends dont sleep shirtless together. just friends would stay up til who knows when talking and watching movies and stuff, yeah. but you want too much, and i want too much. and neither of us is going to let it happen so i need to just take space and time so i can try and make myself okay with just being friends. and honestly, this clingy shit is makiing it so much more difficult to be even friends with you.....

 This is my favorite picture of us. This is my kyle. I love him so much.

 this is my boy. my absolute favorite boy. =]

i dont even know...

i'm really not sure whats going on right now.
my heads all sorts of foggy
and it sucks
i just want to be able to stand up and not feel like i'm going to pass out.
i hate being sick
i wish i stayed at kyles right now =/
i dont actually know if we're okay or not... but i hope we are.

My life just kinda feels...

like it's falling apart.
i'm changing my major
my friends are leaving
my friends are hurting
my boyfriend seems distant
idk.... it seems like life is being difficult lately
i also have to drop math because if i dont i'm going to fail

yay.
=[

The other night...

i went to the club with friends and my boy for his bday.  and my friend left her ID back at kyle's house, so we had to go all the way back and get it. after an adventure for that.... i walked into the club and he was in the middle of a grrindline with other guys.
the one in front of him was trying to make out with him.... but he wouldn't let him. it kinda hurt to see him with other guys like that... but i was so happy that he did  that. i know i can trust him. i know i can =]
i love him <3

Everybody finds a reason to leave...

i thought we could just be friends... but he wants more than i can give him. so he left.
walked right out of my life
how can someone do that. 
i just don't understand.
i hate when people leave
it is the worst feeling in the world.

kyle wrote this.... i just wanna save it somewhere.

Icy as the chill of a winter breeze,
Fiery as the sting from the frozen seas.
Wild as the tears from a child’s cries,
Calm as the pierce from young staring eyes

Behind each soul, a story untold,
Unlock the secret, and a world unfolds.
Heart’s still beating, but life is still
This world anew, is yours to fill.

Paint the skies and add new lands,
Turn stars to diamonds, and diamonds to sand.
You are free to do with it as you please
But you are limited by your creativities.

For If you can think it, so it shall be,
But you’ll find it’s hard to let your mind free
But, no matter how simple my world may seem,
It’s mine to live, and mine to dream

mreh

i just ... i feel kinda awkward about tomorrow.
i'm going clubbing with kyle and his friends, and becky and jenny.
i'm really worried about it.
like really worried
i just have this feeling like something bad is going to happen tomorrow
and kyle's gonna be drunk and idk if i can handle that... we'll see i guess.
i'm just worried that jenny and becky aren't gonna be sociable with him and his friends... or vice versa and it'll be awkward and i just want everything to be ok and i feel like it isnt so i just want someone to grab me and tell me everything is going to be ok.
i just want to know it will be...

=/